i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Randomize
