I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
