Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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