I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
