meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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