I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
