he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
