Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
