wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
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