Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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