I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
