i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i love accidental penises.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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