dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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