all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
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