U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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