all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
