Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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