Sry I called you an 8
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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