Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
