I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize