Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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