Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
