Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
