so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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