Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
