Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
