I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Reggie can tackle my bush.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
this hospital has no fireball
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
