We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
