There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
