apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
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If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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