Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I wish life had little blips of pornography
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
