Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
