You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
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