when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
