just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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