He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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