i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
