So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Randomize
