You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Randomize
