Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
