even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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