he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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