dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Shame - the story of my life.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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