seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
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Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
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No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.