just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"