I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
