i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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