Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
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