My friends, they love my intelligence
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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