I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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