it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
