my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
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