i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
