so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
