ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
