Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
