Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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