I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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