Sorry, I don't speak sober.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
