i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
