Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
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